y did u give ur computer a hand job?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
