Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize