You can't special order awesome
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
