if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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