I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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