Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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