Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
