so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
