There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
