I think my vagina is haunted
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
