so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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