So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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