My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
