a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
