I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
