thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
