you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
