We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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