I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
