theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
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The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
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how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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