I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
