Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
