so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
