Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
