Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
