Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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