saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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