When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Two words: blizzard sex
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
