I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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