I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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