if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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