i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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