I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
