I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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