So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you win again, gameday.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
