but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
