the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Sex in the backyard? Check.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
