I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
