I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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