dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
