yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
