no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
