My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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