How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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