I cannot find my penis.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
