someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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