It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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