I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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