last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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