we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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