i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
