Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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