i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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