Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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