i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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