you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
