Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
