Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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