I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
