It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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