Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
where are my eyebrows?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
