i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
