also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
